15 December 2014

Why I'm doing all this

Many of you already know my story.

Since the 1990s, I have been disabled due to a severe mental illness (bipolar disorder, but I was once diagnosed with schizophrenia). I also have chronic fatigue and pain, caused by something that hasn't been diagnosed yet.

The last time I held a full-time job, it was in 1997, as a computer repairman in Lufkin, Texas. I was also homeless for a time and lived in my car. I can no longer drive now due to poor vision and reflexes, and also not being able to afford a car.

But I could afford an internet account, at least dialup. I didn't want to be completely idle, and I never got to get my college degree, so I spent hours every day educating myself on many things. Over the years, I've done things like teach myself a few languages, philosophy and music composition.

I also played bass in a few bands, but none of them ever went anywhere (I kept ending up with slackers who used band practices as excuses to drink and smoke pot). I gave that up, at least for now, and devoted myself to composing full-time. I also started looking for work on movies or games, and have written one score for an indie film so far.

I haven't been able to make much money as a composer yet, but I have met some fellow composers, and got invited to hear an arrangement I did of a friend's work--in Turkey. So now I want to travel the world, if I only had money.

The real reason I became a composer, however, is to give myself a raison d'être, to ward off the despair.

I was also married once, but that didn't work out well. We didn't have any children. I'd like to have another chance at marriage and family, but I never can meet anyone.

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